My father was born on a small rural farm in 1926, the eldest of eight children. In 1938, his dad died, leaving 12-year-old Murray to help his mom manage the farm and raise his younger siblings. A few years later, his mom asked if he thought they could afford to house three more children, cousins in need. He responded, “Sure - we’ll just plant a bigger garden.”

My dad grew up during the Great Depression and he was always proud that he and his family never went hungry and always had a safe place to sleep. He was an optimist with a positive attitude, trusting that he could figure out a solution to almost any problem. He did not amass any financial fortunes but his life was lived in abundant love and he treasured his big vegetable gardens.

Practicing healthy, intentional living is a lot like gardening. In the 20th century, psychiatry and psychology practitioners studied how to heal trauma and mental illness. We now know so much about weeding out that which is toxic in our lives.

But if we don’t cultivate what we actually want in our gardens, we are left with just an empty plot of dirt once the weeds are all pulled out.

What do you want to plant in your garden? Optimism? Community? Gratitude? Mindfulness? Balance? What strengths do you have that will help you grow your garden?

Finding ways to intentionally focus on what gives your life meaning and fulfillment, will help you nurture yourself and your goals in your garden. How much time are you engaging with loved ones in positive ways? How is your life’s work supporting your sense of purpose in your community? From where are you deriving pleasure and enjoyment? What does your garden look like?

“You are always walking in the direction of either love or fear. Choose wisely.”

— Oprah Winfrey

Yesterday, elected Republican officials supported an attempt to overthrow the U.S. government in favor of a man who on Saturday attempted to bully a Georgian election official to “find” more votes in a “recount.”

We just lived through an attempted coup.

I had planned to write about resilience this week. I wanted to talk about the tools and skills we can practice to positively respond to and recover from difficulties that snag and interrupt our flow. Learning how to protect ourselves from the negative effects of stress helps us handle the next crisis that crops us in our life. So, what are some of the coping mechanisms we use while glued to the news watching armed terrorists attack our federal government buildings?

For me, it is important to stay connected with my loved ones. Talking with family and friends last night helped me process my big emotions and reinforced my belief that together we can cope with national trauma. Listening to others reminds me that I am not alone in my feelings of anxiety about this crisis. My patient husband is a terrific listener and close friends are also great sources of support for me. I ask a lot of questions about what I see on the news and I try to seek multiple perspectives to limit confirmation bias.

It takes immense effort to activate positive emotions during times of trauma however this effort is necessary to break a negative thinking cycle. Our brains get addicted to the chemicals released by big emotions and we can either stay stuck in a negative feedback loop or we can consciously re-program our thoughts to focus on gratitude and love. But how to remain positive when repetitive or chronic stress has worn us down? Raise your hand if you feel like you are failing at resiliency while living through a pandemic that has also highlighted broader awareness about systemic racism, broken healthcare options, and ugly politics.

It is challenging to see opportunity in these threatening situations. High-stress chronic exposure can lead to feeling overwhelmed and fatigued. Managing our discomfort when we feel threatened means facing our fears and moving through them. Dismantling our fear may feel distressing, painful, awkward, or embarrassing. Yet when you come out on the other side, you understand better what you can control and influence. You learn that you are not helpless.

So, how can you help yourself to respond to stress with healthy behaviors? Most of us know the standard recommendations: go for a walk; drink more water; breathe mindfully; eat healthy foods, etc. Practicing resilience is possible when we build these habits of health that support our minds and bodies.

Most importantly, make time to articulate your difficult experiences and focus on what your fears during those stressful times have taught you. What have you gained since walking through an uncomfortable situation? Build confidence in your capacity to influence different outcomes for yourself. Give yourself credit for the mistakes you make, as these mistakes can be great teachers. Resilience is not about reducing or eliminating all stressful situations; resilience comes from understanding our loss and pain. We build resilience when we fail and learn from our failures.

Yesterday, this country failed. We failed. Even though the word “united” is in the name of this country, we are not very united right now. People are in pain. People are grieving. We are trying to understand how we have failed each other.

Mr. Rogers exhorted us to “look for the helpers” when watching a calamity unfold in the news. What happens when you push yourself to actually be one of the helpers? Cultivating an attitude of purpose can build resilience and help you reject feelings of helplessness. What are the ways that you can get past your fears and get involved with your neighbors, your local political leaders, your colleagues, and strengthen positive relationships in your own community? How can you help?