Cracking the Geode

Recently, a client thanked me at the end of our session for following her many threads of thought during our conversation. My training as a coach allows me to hold space for many ideas while a client explores various possibilities. She likened my coaching as walking around a very large rock. Together, we explored a metaphor of her seeing the large rock as an obstacle in her way and her search for a path over or around it; and me seeing her obstacle as a geode and finding a crack to break it open to reveal a beautiful sparkly interior.

As we concluded her session, I was flooded with a childhood memory of my grandfather’s large amethyst geode. Growing up in Ontario, Canada, I was lucky to see many amethyst geodes and other cool crystals at local fairs and artisan studios. Amethyst is the official gemstone of the province. Many cultures regard amethyst as a stone of peace and believe that wearing amethyst calms and soothes us. One of my favorite necklace charms is a simple goddess shape inset with an amethyst and was gifted to me by a friend for my college graduation.

I started my virtual coaching practice as a way to help others lean into opportunity. By actively supporting you, using applied positive psychology techniques, I help you peek inside yourself and unlock the power of your shiny potential. I don’t judge and I don’t give advice. I follow your lead and together we create a way forward for you to create the life that you want.

Where do you want to be? What’s getting in your way? How can I help you reveal your best self?

What's In Your Garden?

My father was born on a small rural farm in 1926, the eldest of eight children. In 1938, his dad died, leaving 12-year-old Murray to help his mom manage the farm and raise his younger siblings. A few years later, his mom asked if he thought they could afford to house three more children, cousins in need. He responded, “Sure - we’ll just plant a bigger garden.”

My dad grew up during the Great Depression and he was always proud that he and his family never went hungry and always had a safe place to sleep. He was an optimist with a positive attitude, trusting that he could figure out a solution to almost any problem. He did not amass any financial fortunes but his life was lived in abundant love and he treasured his big vegetable gardens.

Practicing healthy, intentional living is a lot like gardening. In the 20th century, psychiatry and psychology practitioners studied how to heal trauma and mental illness. We now know so much about weeding out that which is toxic in our lives.

But if we don’t cultivate what we actually want in our gardens, we are left with just an empty plot of dirt once the weeds are all pulled out.

What do you want to plant in your garden? Optimism? Community? Gratitude? Mindfulness? Balance? What strengths do you have that will help you grow your garden?

Finding ways to intentionally focus on what gives your life meaning and fulfillment, will help you nurture yourself and your goals in your garden. How much time are you engaging with loved ones in positive ways? How is your life’s work supporting your sense of purpose in your community? From where are you deriving pleasure and enjoyment? What does your garden look like?

Workplace Wellness Trends

Our workplaces changed during 2020. How and where and when we work has all changed. Some people are even questioning why they are working in particular industries. What do you need to achieve a sense of wellness in your job?

In 2017, “Workplace Wellness” was listed as a $48 billion industry (small orange circle in the graphic above) projected to grow to $66 billion by 2022, according to the Global Wellness Institute. Of the ten segments of the wellness industry examined, workplace wellness was last in spending. In contrast, we spent more than 22 times as much in the Personal Care, Beauty & Anti-Aging industry. Might we consider diverting some of our expenses for metallic manicures and whipped marshmallow facials towards improving our well-being at work?

GWI notes that most of the workplace wellness spending is in North America and Europe, with only one in ten workers estimated to have access to wellness programs at work. Chronic community stress, work-specific stress, work-related injuries, lingering disease, and employee disengagement contribute to economic loss over time.

“Wellness is a lifelong process.”

Researchers at Harvard University found that medical costs and absenteeism rates drop for employees engaged in workplace wellness programs. Employers who prioritize stress management, mental health, and flexible wellness options demonstrate genuine care for their employees while boosting overall productivity and health outcomes. There is no one-size-fits-all wellness program - smoking cessation classes are not needed by everyone, for example.

When we consider wellness as a spectrum, we understand that no two people are starting from the same place of wellness. My coaching, therefore, looks different for each client. What is the gap between a client’s desired career goal and their current reality? What are tangible micro-goals that move a client forward to their specific objective?

What support do you want to improve your sense of personal control in your job and increase joy in your profession?

Buddy Butler

A mentor to hundreds of people died this week. Professor Buddy Butler persuaded me in 1998 to apply to San Jose State University, so we could work together. He appointed me the Education Director of STEP (School Touring Ensemble Program) which was a multi-cultural theatre company of SJSU undergraduate students that toured K-12 schools in California performing plays with social justice messages. He cast non-traditional people in roles. He boosted everyone’s confidence. He made magic.

We met approximately one year after my divorce from my starter husband. Buddy inspired me to believe in myself and found opportunities for me to shine, as I struggled to re-build my life. The summer before graduation, he invited me to join an elite group of talented actors to research primary sources of the many paths that immigrants took to reach California in the 1800s. We learned to quilt. We visited museums and state archives. We wrote a play called California: A Common Thread.

STEP

circa 1999-2000

Buddy introduced me to his mentor, Dr. Ethel Walker, and together the two of them encouraged me to enroll in graduate school. Buddy sent me to the library to watch hours of black and white videos to help me understand the history of racism here in the U.S. As an original member of The Negro Ensemble Company (NYC) and a founding member of the Black Theatre Alliance and The Black Theatre Network, Buddy built on his family’s history of storytelling to break down barriers and find universal truths in performance.

From Buddy, I learned that it is not enough to not be a racist; he taught me to be actively anti-racist. He introduced me to the theory of anti-bias curriculum and helped me write Study Guides for student productions of shows that tackled complex issues: King, A Man and His Dream, Bang-Bang, You’re Dead, Some of My Best Friends.

In 2019, SJSU’s magazine “Washington Square” featured Buddy and included this quote:

“What is a story saying? What difference is it making? What is it revealing?” Butler asks. “I use theater as my chosen social and political platform. It’s not just entertainment. It’s cultural. It’s educational. By doing plays, I can make a difference.”

When I fell in love in 2004, Buddy immediately guessed that I had met The One. He was a keen observer and many of us who knew him have been struck by his ability to ask the right question at the right time, usually with a sly smile and a glint in his eye. He saw into our hearts and with love and attention, he directed our gaze to reflect on our own needs and desires. He helped us not just grow but to bloom and stretch towards the sun.

In the thirteen years since I moved away from San Jose, I have remained good friends with Buddy’s beloved wife, Betsy. (Buddy preferred IRL to online interactions.) I have watched their daughters grow up through online posts of the Butler family adventures. It is with tremendous sadness that I write this reflection today. Buddy loved his family.

“There are no black or white emotions. You hurt, I hurt. Pain is pain, love is love. It’s the occasion which is different, not so much the feeling. But if we break life down to the essentials, we share almost everything. The only difference is our cultural and historic context.”

-Buddy Butler

United We Fail

“You are always walking in the direction of either love or fear. Choose wisely.”

— Oprah Winfrey

Yesterday, elected Republican officials supported an attempt to overthrow the U.S. government in favor of a man who on Saturday attempted to bully a Georgian election official to “find” more votes in a “recount.”

We just lived through an attempted coup.

I had planned to write about resilience this week. I wanted to talk about the tools and skills we can practice to positively respond to and recover from difficulties that snag and interrupt our flow. Learning how to protect ourselves from the negative effects of stress helps us handle the next crisis that crops us in our life. So, what are some of the coping mechanisms we use while glued to the news watching armed terrorists attack our federal government buildings?

For me, it is important to stay connected with my loved ones. Talking with family and friends last night helped me process my big emotions and reinforced my belief that together we can cope with national trauma. Listening to others reminds me that I am not alone in my feelings of anxiety about this crisis. My patient husband is a terrific listener and close friends are also great sources of support for me. I ask a lot of questions about what I see on the news and I try to seek multiple perspectives to limit confirmation bias.

It takes immense effort to activate positive emotions during times of trauma however this effort is necessary to break a negative thinking cycle. Our brains get addicted to the chemicals released by big emotions and we can either stay stuck in a negative feedback loop or we can consciously re-program our thoughts to focus on gratitude and love. But how to remain positive when repetitive or chronic stress has worn us down? Raise your hand if you feel like you are failing at resiliency while living through a pandemic that has also highlighted broader awareness about systemic racism, broken healthcare options, and ugly politics. 

It is challenging to see opportunity in these threatening situations. High-stress chronic exposure can lead to feeling overwhelmed and fatigued. Managing our discomfort when we feel threatened means facing our fears and moving through them. Dismantling our fear may feel distressing, painful, awkward, or embarrassing. Yet when you come out on the other side, you understand better what you can control and influence. You learn that you are not helpless.

So, how can you help yourself to respond to stress with healthy behaviors? Most of us know the standard recommendations: go for a walk; drink more water; breathe mindfully; eat healthy foods, etc. Practicing resilience is possible when we build these habits of health that support our minds and bodies.

Most importantly, make time to articulate your difficult experiences and focus on what your fears during those stressful times have taught you. What have you gained since walking through an uncomfortable situation? Build confidence in your capacity to influence different outcomes for yourself. Give yourself credit for the mistakes you make, as these mistakes can be great teachers. Resilience is not about reducing or eliminating all stressful situations; resilience comes from understanding our loss and pain. We build resilience when we fail and learn from our failures. 

Yesterday, this country failed. We failed. Even though the word “united” is in the name of this country, we are not very united right now. People are in pain. People are grieving. We are trying to understand how we have failed each other. 

Mr. Rogers exhorted us to “look for the helpers” when watching a calamity unfold in the news. What happens when you push yourself to actually be one of the helpers? Cultivating an attitude of purpose can build resilience and help you reject feelings of helplessness. What are the ways that you can get past your fears and get involved with your neighbors, your local political leaders, your colleagues, and strengthen positive relationships in your own community? How can you help?

Shades of Gray

When we think of “black and white” photography, we don’t often articulate the range and depth of the various shadows and highlights that make up the image. Here in the United States, while voting for our next President, most of us got caught up in binary thinking (red vs blue) while anxiously watching continuous news coverage of a hotly contested election. How many are actively seeking to understand the range and depth of the diverse perspectives and assessments of millions of people? How many are stuck in “us-them” constructs?

And where do we go from here?

Let’s begin by remembering that when you ask 140 million people a question, you will get 140 million DIFFERENT answers. When we understand that we are just one of many, is it possible to make space for others to express their hurts and hopes and still maintain our own identity? Peaceworkers in post-war zones recognize this. Without genuine dialogue and reconciliation, the war mindset will continue to smolder. Children will inherit bitter rhetoric laced with argumentative goals of making the opposite side feel insecure and weak. How can we invest in raising up all Americans when we cannot even agree on how to listen to each other?

“E pluribus unum” translates to “out of many, one.” The United States today is one country made up of many people from numerous backgrounds and cultures. By making an effort to experience a different way of thinking, can we be open to the possibility of seeing daily life from someone else’s perspective? Make your goal to understand and listen and your neighbors will feel safe to share their stories and feelings with you. Be disciplined in reserving moral judgment and eliminate the desire to change someone’s opinion. Look for the nuanced gray shadows and highlights to build a better picture of others.

Lobster Power

Like butterflies, lobsters undergo metamorphosis as part of their life cycle and have symbolic associations with powers of transformation and regeneration. They molt their shells and emerge larger and stronger. Dreams of lobsters are interpreted as messages to come out of your shell, drop your armor, and experience personal growth and positive change in your life.

Everyone comes to Cape Cod and wants to eat a lobster. But this is a transformation of attitudes from earlier colonial times and is considered one of the most striking brand identity stories in marketing. In the 17th century, lobsters were plentiful and considered trash food suitable only for poor people. After World War II, clever restaurants served lobster acquired cheaply as an exotic delicacy to inland diners unfamiliar with the crustacean. By changing the perception of peer behaviour through targeted advertising, more people began to order lobster because they perceived other fancy folks were enjoying this unusual food for the privileged and wealthy.

What do you want your personal identity to be? What do you need to shed to emerge stronger and more aligned with your true self?

I Am Enough

Autumn in the northern hemisphere is a visual reminder of abundance as there are signs of harvest all around us. Recently, I spent hours watching three squirrels scurry about a New Hampshire shoreline hiding hundreds of acorns in unmarked caches. How can they remember the dozens and dozens of holes they dig? Turns out they don’t! Instead, individual squirrels eat from the community of squirrel caches. There is no need to remember where “my nuts” are buried because there are thousands of nuts buried all over this squirrel territory. There is enough for all squirrels to eat from all caches, without the burden of remembering where exactly each squirrel buried which nut. Squirrels hide food for future abundance, trusting in the larger community of squirrels who will share their abundance, too.

I do enough.

I have enough.

I am enough.

This is a meditation that I use to remind us of abundance in our lives. We beat ourselves up for not getting everything done perfectly by an arbitrary deadline, not having the right clothes, job, house, car, and sometimes a general feeling of un-named anxiety paralyzes us. Think about the top three things you fear and worry about; it is probable that most of your lists can be categorized into concerns about health, financial security, and relationships. These are universal worries that can overwhelm us, if we don’t actively remind ourselves of our actual worth.

Try this meditation by breathing deep breaths in between each sentence. Take your time to reflect on how much you do and know that it is enough right now. Breathe. Consider what it feels like to shift your thoughts to gratitude for having enough today in this moment. Breathe again. Know that being you, as you are, is enough. You are worthy of love and abundance.

#ChallengeConfronted

What could be better than empowering other women? As a grandmother, why wouldn’t I want to post a black and white selfie on Instagram, to show support for our new granddaughter and all women? #ChallengeAccepted

Except…what exactly is challenging about posting a selfie? Specifically what is the point of this summer trend on social media?

I admit that I jumped on the bandwagon and was initially eager to share this black and white photo of me and our grandchild. But as my feeds flood with copious selfies, I am doubting the efficacy of this fad.

A little bit of research yields the information that four years ago the same hashtag (also with black and white photos) was used to “raise awareness of cancer” (who hasn’t heard that cancer sucks?) and recently women in Turkey used a version of this campaign to raise awareness about violence against women.

But where is the call to action on these vanity posts? How does posting a beautiful selfie raise up others? How does my selfie give protection to Turkish women? Or defeat cancer?

What extra can I do in my own community to actually raise up more women? Support more women-owned businesses? Advocate for equitable access to higher education? Volunteer at a women’s shelter? Donate to international aid funds?

It takes work to get to know your neighbors, shop local, share what you have, ask for help when you need it. Actively taking a stand to build up your community may be uncomfortable and new. What effort can you make to effect a positive change?